"She's giving me that death stare...that means she wants me"

What's the worst pick up line you've ever heard?

This may not even be a pick up line, but whatever the fuck it is, I've heard it several, several times.

It's when a man comes up to me and asks why I look so sad, or worse yet, simply DEMANDS that I smile.

Why the FUCK would I smile?! What kind of a moron goes around all day with a dumb grin on their face? I would PUNCH that person, not that it would matter because they have obviously been drugged. No one that is not on painkillers or heroin should be smiling at any and all given moments.

I am neither on painkillers nor heroin. I am not trying to impress your supertan, hairless, tank-top wearing, faux-hawk ruining ass. I will most certainly NOT smile when you tell me to. And it in NO WAY affects me when you tell me to stop looking so angry because it's making YOU depressed, or scaring you. That is clearly my purpose. I can't waste my time mindlessly chatting it up with you at Giovanelli's when Degrassi is about to be on and I just need a snack. I am TRYING to drive you away from talking to me. Yes, I noticed four minutes ago when you pinned your drunken eyes on me, hoping I would turn, look embarrassed and shocked that someone actually noticed me, look away, then look back and smile, have you come over so I could fakely giggle at all your not funny jokes until we finally decided to go back to your place and make it to third. I would never go to third with you, or anywhere with you. I will never wake up next to someone who has armhair stubble. And when I slightly grin upon your request for me to moronically smile, it is only because I don't feel like smacking you in front of all these other dumb bitches with whom you may actually have a chance. When you still stick around after that, eventually leading to you requesting a high five, that is where I MOTHERFUCKING DRAW THE LINE.

I am not going to high five you. I already fucking grinned at you, that was like rape for me. I hate the high five. When did it even leave the sports world and enter the world of flirting? I used to dream as a child of flirting being when a suave older gentlemen approaches you, says impossibly smart and funny things while still dedicating most of his attention to making YOU feel smart. No, not cute. Not hot. SMART. Everywhere I look nowadays it's girls being insulted and mocked...by men who want to get into their pants. Rather than my fantasy of a man being impossibly smart but still appreciating my intelligence, all I see are dumb men pretending to be smart. Unfortunately, pretending to be smart only entails treating those around you as though they are dumb. And never letting anyone else get a word in. And when a girl does manage to get a fucking word in, they PRETEND to be making you feel smart by saying something like "Yeah, that's true..." (BTW: this is not making someone feel smart, it's trying to quickly end their talking so you can resume your own. Everyone knows this.) but interjecting your own pretension with a slight correction of what that silly girl got wrong. Guess what dude, she's NOT wrong. She can have an IQ of fucking 38...if you're trying to get in her pants SHE'S NOT FUCKING WRONG.

I learned to evade such situations in my own life by being unrelentingly rude and, for the men who still stick around and still want to buy me drinks, I never stop talking myself and get a perverse satisfaction from watching them nod along and blithely agree just as I used to, oh so long ago. I know what all the douchebags and fans of douchebags are thinking: that I probably never again spoke to a man since I started this process of weeding out. Actually, I speak to men all the time, and it's my general experience that 1) it is only the smartest men who bother to treat you as though you are smart and 2) men LOVE being put in their place and the most fun men are the ones who can hate on themselves (less work for you). I can't tell you why, but I can tell you that there is more than one man who doesn't mind hanging out with me as I do nothing but insult them. And their friends.

So basically, to the drunk tan douchebag at Giovanelli's: no I will never fucking high-five you or any of your actual-conversationally challenged friends who could never handle talking to a woman, and must depend on the desperation of all those chicks who merely shaved their legs and don't want that time to have gone to waste to feel good about themselves. That's the most indicative part of all of this: it's clear that YOU are talking to girls to feel better about YOURSELF, not "just to get ass". I don't know about others, but I PREFER the dude who is sooo sexually motivated that he's willing to endure my endless analysis of Hillary Clinton, Anna Wintour and Oprah for several hours just in order to get into my pants. Men are supposed to have only one thing on their mind, you can't have opinions, ideas, or corrections for women. So drop your silly antics. And while you're working on dropping the high-five, and the "Smile!" from your flirting lexicon, go ahead and delete the generic head-nod-of-acknowledgement, taking lots of pictures with a girl, taking her hand and putting it in your pants...while on the dancefloor, "You're so cute!" as your only response to ANYTHING she says, calling other girls fat and ugly (only we're allowed to do that), and "I was against the war, and I know we fucked shit up there, but we have to stay in Iraq because you can't leave it fucked up! So I said that in class, but the professor didn't agree, he was too much of a hippy. That's why I got a D.".

What's that? I'm a BITCH? Um. DUH.

Thursday, February 7, 2008