i guess an age-denying woman who isn't running things is better than a penis-envying woman who is...

I was, for all intents and purposes, a "Hillary girl". Yes, Obama's amazing, and yes, he was against the war from the beginning. But, well, he's not a woman, and I thought it was TOO IMPORTANT to have a woman president RIGHT NOW, at a time when women think they are dumber than men and are ubiquitously watched in the media in order to glorify each and every one of their drug-fueled screw-ups (while "respectfully" ignoring those of Heath Ledger and his fellow party boys...). This seemed like the perfect time, as it ran parallel with my own life, and my own ten year anniversary with myself of adding a feminist undertone to my everyday existence, brought graciously to me by the Spice Girls. They brought a message of fun, feminine "power!" to little girls everywhere, and now (in a week), ten years later, will personally deliver the message in Newark. They even said that Margaret Thatcher was the first Spice Girl. It seemed like maybe, after eights years of political/general awkward adolescent weird-girl turmoil America would provide the seventh. Even Ann Coulter, the seething bitch of the right wing (who I totally respect, if for nothing else, for shouting over all those dumbfuck men who surround her every television appearance, putting them in their dumbfuck places) came out in support of Hillary, I believe, because of the basic American NEED for a woman president RIGHT NOW.

Then Oprah, the seething bitch of daytime tv, came out in support of Obama. It was the first time the mere idea of her without makeup wasn't what made me nauseous. A woman with such vast influence over everyone with nothing to do at 4 PM every single day had the AUDACITY to go out and support someone, knowing her audience blindly follows her every move. But if she absolutely had to support someone, it should have been Hillary, cuz even Ann Coulter knows the importance of having a woman president. I was crushed, I began to become unsure of my girl, but I knew I needed to just hang in there, and that everything would work out. Come on. It's Hillary.

With Ann, Oprah, and Hillary all under 24-hour watch, I had forgotten about the head seething bitch, the angriest mamasita of them all, my idol, the mother of all sassy ho's, the reason we can just accept Juno: Anna Wintour. Of course, she would be classy enough to not come out in support of ANYONE (unlike certain too-fat-to-grace-the-cover-of-Vogue bitches)...No, no. She was never given the chance to reject Hillary cuz Hillary rejected her. Hillary believed a spread in Vogue would be "too feminine".

Anna Wintour is the opposite of Oprah. The ultimate proof that an old woman can be thin, hot, iconic, classy and run EVERYTHING. She never changes her position. She always says the right thing. She covers up what she has to. She doesn't have issues. She could have saved Hillary, and she clearly wanted to, seeing as how she allowed her on the cover despite her previous ultimatum involving a complete abandonment of navy blue suits. Because Anna knew the importance of having a woman president. But alas, it has nothing to do with Anna why I will never, ever, ever, on this super Tuesday vote for Hillary Clinton. At least those other women only believe themselves to be dumber than men. Hillary actually believes she has to be a man, or at least manly, to be a successful woman. As the idea that the only presidential female in my life might be one who botox's her cheeks (it's either botox or Michelle Obama was never taught to smile and is now awkwardly learning during all her interviews) overwhelms me, I must make an apology: I'm sorry, Hillary, but you are just not woman enough to be my president.

"The notion that a contemporary woman must look mannish in order to be taken seriously as a seeker of power is frankly dismaying. This is America, not Saudi Arabia. It's also 2008: Margaret Thatcher may have looked terrific in a blue power suit, but that was 20 years ago. I do think Americans have moved on from the power-suit mentality."

Tuesday, February 5, 2008