Sorry for high jacking your plans.

I'm not upset that you invade my privacy, my space, or my general peace of mind. I'm not pissed that you have no regard for the way things actually are and only pay attention to the way things would more easily be. I'm not angry that you are an inconsiderate jackhole. I could sit here moaning about how I've been wronged, how hurt I am, how I'll never be able to pull myself together...but I won't. I'm just trying to figure out how easily one second you can be so hurtful and the next instantly apologize. What happens in that instant. It's pretty clear, you are TERRIFIED of losing me. I'm not really sure why; I'm not a nice person. But I can't sit around anymore, being hurt, vowing silence towards you, then being forced to ignore hours and hours of phone calls, texts, ims, emails, messages, and whatever else you chock-full of your tearful apologies. How much pain will you put me through?

I know if I don't pick up today, or tomorrow, there will still be calls the next day. Will it stop after three days? Four? Two weeks? When does this end? When you meet someone else? That happened...remember? You still blew me up 24/7. Was it cuz she wasn't good enough? Not quite neerajaneerajaneeraja enough for you? If I found you a girl exactly like me; rude, average, cocky, uninviting and demanding; would you be satisfied?

Being the rude-average-cocky-uninviting-and-demanding bitch I am, I hope you understand that its in my disposition to want to be alone. People like me are meant to drive people away. So why must you insist on being near me? Or apologizing to me? I'm sure, somewhere in the karmic scheme of things, this is all retribution for me. It isn't natural for me to be chased after. Don't you care at all about allowing me to run free in my natural habititat of lonely bitterness? Don't you know that no matter how bitchy my people are, we cannot instinctively ignore tearfilled apologies as doing so would result in others becoming aware of our generally evil nature and thus trunctate even the miniscule amount of feigned sympathy we require to subsist?

What I'm tyring to figure out is...what is it that you require of me? If I forgive you...will you feel better? Have you no pride for your point of view, you obviously believe in it as you brought it to light in the first place...What is CE JUE we're playing? And why has it managed to last longer than monopoly where money lending is allowed?

Or is this in fact all about you? Is it, afterall, that you're the drama queen? Is it that my rude-average-cocky-uninviting-and-demanding nature doesn't matter at all? I'm just the dude with the glasses and you're that river in Deliverance? I just randomly got sucked in, and your natural forces are stronger than mine? You pretend like I'm in control, like I'm strong bitchy and demanding, in order for you to actually be in control. I have no canoe, no life jacket. I'm doggy paddling against you for dear life but I keep drowning.

I was searching for the last straw, I foolishly thought this was up against my back, not yours.

Monday, December 8, 2008